if you're a bird, I'm a bird

train wreck

"Things fit like puzzle pieces, don't they?"
"Then we are a very odd and mixed up puzzle."

a million ways to be cruel

Delaney Branger is (one of) my best friends in the entire world. Universe. Solar system. Universe is bigger than solar system. My order is off. That just shows how much I love her. We're at my house and we're doing nothing. Delaney is mad because she wants to check her myspace and I'm blogging- and I WANT A KITTY. I waaaaaaaaannnnnnnttt a kitty. I want a kitty named Gremlin. He's amazing and aodrable and black and has white ears. And he's energetic and cute and my mom stinks :(

Moral of today: Don't send pictures of yourself (wink those kind of pictures) to manwhores. Don't do it. Really, just don't.
Oh my God I love mad libs, too. Have you ever tried the Webb? Yeah, I heard it was creamy. Yeah my computer is tired after all this thrusting. And Delaney goes down on her computer. Plus she could talk to her vagina for hours! I'm sorry, this is too much for me. Alright.

we all grow older

but with you here I'll die slower. (Growing Old - Parade the Day) (its lyk mah favorite jam atm)

I've got something for everyone to do: Go to "lastfm.com". Make an account, and type in bands you like, then click "play recommendations". I'M IN HEAVEN! It's so amazing.


And that's basically it right now because I spend my whole day listening to music and playing martiokart. I'm so cool guys, honestly.
I'm pretty excited for New Years, though, 9 is one of my favorite numbers.



I hate horoscopes. They're always pretty right for me. If there was any time I wanted them to be wrong, it's pretty much right now.

it's christmas !@#&^

this Christmas will be one I remember, I can feel it. So far the best presents I've gotten is my journal from Jade, and Catcher in the Rye from Sarah. And this hoodie I'm wearing, it's so comfortable I feel like I'm wearing a cloud. I shouldn't be on the computer, it's Christmas. I should be playing MarioKart because I got a nintendo ds :D :D :D

and we all fall down

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES
I am tired of them.









P.S. I'm scared.

ho ho hopefully.

Ho ho hopefully
This holiday will make us believe that
We're exactly where we're supposed to be
And we're ho ho hoping that we all come back
And as a matter of fact I know we're exactly where we're supposed to be
Together by this Christmas tree

We go together like the winter and a sweater
And she makes me feel,
She makes me feel alive at times
And when I look into her eyes
I see the blue and green like Christmas lights
Like Christmas lights, oh what a sight
She says I've got a way of making things okay
She's not alone, she's not alone and never will be
Ho ho hopefully
This year I'll have you alone

trust.

I don't know if you've got mine.
It's not you I don't trust, it's what you feel. Just to clarify.

alfonso is

a
butttttt
FACE.


ha.

all we are, we are.

I am happy, very very happy.

It has down sides, but I am still happy and right now I don't even caaaaaare!
Alright, so to you, this who dgaf thing only lasts for a certain amount of time and then you are due for an attitude adjustment. I think you're OVERDUE for one. Seriously. Just sayin'.

My sister is coming in 5 days! AHH! I am so excited. So basically, I'm pretty darn good.

I am

She loves her momma's lemonade
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her
She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

She would change everything for happy ever after
She's just who she is,
But no one's told her that's okay.


I love Jon McLaughlin!
It did not rain today- my plea for it to stay obviously did not work. And I left my hair curly and everything- I was ready for it, man.



Delaney my only advice is DON'T DO IT! It's really not worth it even if it seems like it is.

rain rain

don't ever go away
stay with me another day
rain rain keep me safe
because I am oh so... unsafe.


Red leaves and white clouds.
Brown eyes and long lashes
Warm sweaters that don't give
and cold people that don't live.

We've got oceans brewing in our halls
we've got emotions hitting every wall
blue eyes and long lashes
little cuts that turn into gashes.

Rivers knock me down,
sorry for getting your car wet.
thanks for telling me about your trunk
I need to get out of this funk!

That last one wasn't so "profound" or whatever, just little things I'd like to say about my day. It's raining and it's Christmas, I feel alive.

I like eyes that aren't so hard, eyes that aren't so rigid. Eyes that seem to melt around the sides, that remind me of chocolate. I like eyes that don't just see.

3oh!3

was. so. amazing!

Even though I'm completely beat and my legs are all cut up and my elbows are bruised and my ears are ringing and I'm tired as fuck that was the most fun I've had in a while.
And Jade is pretty scary. Just sayin' I would not mess with her when we're at concerts.. shes like:
"Get the fuck off me! Bitch! *elbow to the face* Fuck you!" I was pretty scared. I thought she'd turn around and like bite me. But nobody tried to push us out of the way after that?

I got my hair cut AGAIN and it's pretty dang short- like a little longer than my shoulders. Pretty sure I like it, I just have to get used to it. Oh and I'm no longer a soma virgin :)

oh,

fuck.

















FUUUUCCCKKKKKK!
that basically sums up my life right now. coolthx.

deconstruct.

is it bad that because of you, I can't listen to that song. Because it reminds me of you, and that hurts me. You've restricted me. You've tied me down. You're everything that I resent and yet .... and yet and yet and yet. Stupid yet.

Don't ask me about this, please.

Oh, and

I just completely re-did everything about my blog because it was too dark and dismal and now I am afraid it is too colorful but technically there is no such thing, so I think I am okay. That was a gigantic run-on sentence.




My life is SO so boring. Jeez.

Because

Now all of my friends have a blog.
Because I didn't know of one until now- which is alright.
Because I was the first one to get one- that makes me feel pretty special, yup.
Because I feel pretty dumb for not understanding this right now.
Because I feel pretty stupid for acting the way I did.
Because I feel pretty shitty for ever thinking I was the only one who felt that way.
Because I feel pretty selfish for assuming all of the things that I did.
Because I feel pretty terrible for doing that to you on your birthday- I really am sorry.
Because now I understand that you are not better than me, and I am not better than you, and we are both people in this world destined to go different places.
I have learned that I have wasted many hours comparing myself to you, and you must understand that as many insecurities you may have because of me I had because of you. I wish we would have just talked about it, but you never told me so I never knew. It would have made things easier, you know. Still would. I still think we need to talk about it. I am such a talker.

o hai.

so today I almost died, but obviously very narrowly escaped.

I am also very excited for tomorrow- my K-Fed :)
I think my mom's gonna get me some pills. So no more days like today- I basically got ASSAULTED by my period, which is just fantastic. I threw up and everything. My mom says:
"Cori, you can give life, therefore you must be punished." After that we cracked up for like 30 minutes because my mom's really wise and shit. That lightened my day up a bit.

15 DAYS! 15 DAYS! I can barely control my enthusiasm.

Today

Was a decidedly good day. I'm down with Biology- it's becoming my favorite class very rapidly. Mr. Miller complimented my reading skills-I'm diggin' that too. Mr. Borden said to me today: "Cori, you can say like, and totally, and be a valley girl all you want. As long as you know it's a mask, you're a very bright girl, and that it's not what you're destined to be." Very unexpectedly too. As long as I know it's a mask. Hmm.
I got home and Garden State was on, and that's probably my favorite movie of all all all time.
"How do you feel right now?"
"I feel safe. When I'm with you I feel so safe. Like I'm home."

That movie is so fantastic. Everything about it. Mm I love me some Zach Braff too :) It ended just as I left for violin, which was good because I did better than I have been doing. I've been practicing more because Jade still wants me to play... in front of other people :/ eghhh.
I need a good book to read, I'm thinking "Things Fall Apart". I think it's such a profound title.

I'm going to go to Africa in 2 and a half years. I'm going to set up my living situation in New York, the go to Africa. It's in our family, my mom did it, Joe did it, Sarah did it, and I am going to do it. I am going to help somebody.

The bus.

Was fun.
When does anyone ever say that?
CJ sat on me because there was no space- and he's cute :) We decided that it was not a stack of quarters in his pocket, but he was indeed excited to see me. We also decided that I'm really white and that CJ has a bony butt, but that my legs are strong. Hahaha.
What is with this boy lately? He's not usually like this- something has definitely changed. Can't say it's unwelcome. But still. It's very different.
I decided I'm hanging out with Jade half-day, yeeeeuh. I didn't wear any makeup (well, I did, but only a tiny bit of mascara) today either, so the fact that he chose to flirt today of all days is ... funny. It was a good day, to say the least. :)

Jesse's jacket was very warm too. I didn't give it back to him until we got to the bus stop, haha. I got a 78 on my biology test, which I am proud of, at least I passed. I laughed a lot of real laughs today. Lunch was just random as fuck, ha, and I'm currently very hungry because SOMEBODY squished my sandwhich. That's not a sarcastic somebody either, I really don't know who did it.

hey, you.

if you're going to buy me a gift, get me the postsecret books.


if nobody buys them they're going to have to put paid ads on the site- and nobody wants paid ads, they're stupid >:O frank has never put them on but they're going on nothing to keep the site up and ahhhhhh if postsecret goes down i'm gonna die. so yeah, everybody, just sayin'

this is better than the original movie.

oh my gawd
hahahhahahah

sister winter

Oh my friends I've
Begun to worry right
Where I should be grateful
I should be satisfied

Oh my heart I
Would clap and dance in place
With my friends I have so
Much pleasure to embrace

But my heart is
Returned to sister winter
But my heart is
As cold as ice

Oh my thoughts I
Return to summertime
When I kissed your ankle
I kissed you through the night

All my gifts I gave everything you
Your strange imagination
You threw it all away

Now my heart is
Returned to sister winter
Now my heart is
As cold as ice

All my friends, I've
Returned to sister winter
All my friends, I
Apologise, apologise

All my friends, I've
Returned to sister winter
All my friends, I
Apologise, apologise

All my friends, I've
Returned to sister winter
All my friends, I
Apologise, apologise

La la la la la . . .

And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you all the best
And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you all the best
And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you all the best
And my friends, I've
Returned to wish you a happy Christmas

To wish you a happy Christmas
To wish you a happy Christmas
To wish you a happy Christmas

C'est belle.

Build me a cottage, right here. Right here. I don't even know where this is, ha, but I want to live here. My mom is a tornado, but a dot dot dot clean one? She's doing all this stuff because my dad is camping and my great Aunt is dying. My dad might have to fly back to New York for her funeral- I can't go because of school and mom can't go because of me. She's like 95, and has been sick for a long time now, so in a way I'm kind of glad she is finally at peace and everything. She lived a really long and happy life, I know she did. Personally, though, I think she hated me for not being very religious. The last time I saw her we got into an argument because I was atheist and she's Catholic.. I mean I don't feel bad for arguing with her but still. Later though she thanked me. She said:
"Thanks, nobody has ever thought to argue with me in 20 years... They all think I'm too frail to handle a little passion. I still think you're an idiot though."
Man. I'm going to miss her SO much. I just helped my mom put up our tree, so I smell really good. I love Christmas. I love it soooo much. I don't even like Christmas day that much, just the whole thing. The smells the most. I love the way christmas smells.

P.S. I'm not THAT insecure. Nowhere near.

What?!

"I know den wen u get up u head 2 da girls side of da locker room but u dnt pass by the boys locker room u go around"



ARE YOU WATCHING ME?!

She says...

blah.

December nights,

Have to be my favorite. December nights and August mornings.
Plus, we're going to the Balboa park thing for it, Mr. Borden says if we find him we get 2 Mr. B passes. But we're not going the same night he is... :(
If we're even going at all.
I eat pizza way too much, I should definitely cut down. It's my favorite though :(


Oh & Dear you,
If you EVER need me, I am here for you always.
Love, me.


P.S. I'm really tired of people trying to control how others act, and feel. And what they do and who they feel for... I'm tired of people trying to control other people. Just life do what it does, don't tell him off, don't tell her off. Life will work itself out. Promise.

I am in love with..

your playlist.









I GOTCHA HUH?!?!

Vol. 1

of Cori's diary is filled up, all the way to the brim with my oh so personal thoughts and feelings.

I need a new journal :(

Because I'm just so lucky.

"Love works in miracles every day: such as weakening the strong, and stretching the weak; making fools of the wise, and wise men of fools; favouring the passions, destroying reason, and in a word, turning everything topsy-turvy." -- Marguerite De Valois

I really am. I have both my parents, I get along with/love them. We're financially stable. I have THE best friends I could ever ask for, and I really mean that. I'm not extremely obese, I'm not completely ugly. I don't have any life-threatening diseases. I mean, Adjustment Disorder is practically the most mild "mental disorder" ever, and the only reason I'm even "diagnosed" with it is because my mom is a therapist.

Just felt like I would express my gratitude to everyone in my life because I would in no way be the same person without them. + I had fun at lunch. Just sayin'. Also, I seem to have good karma for some reason. I forgot my W.H. notes, we have a sub (which means no homework turned in). Only there was this one piece of curly hair that was annoying the FUCK out of me the whole day, but other than that everything went really well. I have a session with Che tonight, am I even allowed to say my therapist's name? I have no clue, but now you all know/can stalk my therapist. Oh cool.
I wore size one pants today and almost died. I COULD NOT BREATH. Stupid stupid stupid pants :( See, this is not fair, all my jeans are either WAAAAYY too big, or too small. I don't even know what size I am anymore. 7 is waaayyy too big, and 1 is too small. So that leaves 3 or 5, I'm probably back to being a 3.

Sorry, I'm rambling.
I'm angry at Linkin Park for getting rid of Mike Shinoda, because he was the only thing that made that band unique. ErghLinkinParkhowcouldyoudothat?! Zis be vy I hate their new stuff. Well, not hate, but I like their old stuff a lot better.
I realized this morning that everything about me makes me who I am- like I wouldn't be the same if my boobs weren't as big, I wouldn't be the same if my hands weren't as small, if my eyes weren't blue. If you changed one thing it would change me as a whole. I wouldn't be the same if I wasn't as impulsive, stubborn, or independent. If I wasn't as caring. I used to think of myself as .. different, separate parts. Like "oh this is the stubborn me" and "oh this is the nice me" but now it's like... what?! Instead of that I'll be like "This is... me." Which is a pretty big step into knowing myself, I think, so I'm proud of that.

I HATE

MYSPACE HGHDFJKL;SHGS


a lot. like really.
Alright, so I've been focusing on putting things in perspective lately. I've been saying things like "it's just highschool" and "i'm only 15" a lot. My problems are not life and death, my problems are small in comparison to life as a whole.
Oh, you know what else? This guy that sits on a table on my way to French class, well he always kinda says some random comment to me on my way past him. Like whether it's just "Hello" or inviting me to a party in his pants (honestly) he says something. So today he was like "Hi!" and I was like "Er, hi," and kept walking, and he was like "Bye beautiful!" so I turned around and was like "Er, thanks, yeah, bye, alright" hahahhaha. Just thought I'd mention that.

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

That's my parents wedding song. I think it's one of the most romantic I've ever heard without being sappy. Oh, and I stand with my butt stuck out just like my mom. Hahah.

congratulations, go home now

Will we last through the winter?
Will we make it to see?
I never wanted a partner and I never loved you,
Now you are free to leave.
This heart is already frozen,
I can't remember the fall.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won't call.

Congratulations, go home now.

In Fear and Faith - Circa Survive

With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
Hit ‘em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See ‘em running for their lives

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring

Oh & go listen to Lemon Meringue Tie by Dance Gavin Dance. Perhaps my favorite song as of now, that or Split Needles by The Shins. Listen to that, too.

BLEHHHHGFDHGKLFS

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

My anthem!

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one


I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing



Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me



I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

On a different note, when I was on the bus today a man was denied because the bus was too crowded. Maybe I imagined it, but the look of sadness on his face was intense. I felt like crying. I had to urge to get off so he could on, but the bus was already leaving. I felt sad, because I really wished, and still wish, I had gotten off for him. I don't even know why.
I find it depressing that my first blog for the month of December is about my feelings being hurt. Well, thank God I was never alone with you today. I think I would have punched you. I have basically become the master at acting normal when I'm mad at someone :)


I say "on a different note" a lot. I took "Then Animal in You" personality test. I'm an Otter. VER NACE.

Otters are petite, engaging creatures overflowing with positive energy. Intelligent and bright, they are also popular and eminently lovable and displaying the highly developed social skills that typify the small carnivores. So, otters mix easily with a wide range of animal personalities.

Lazy? Let's just say easily distracted. For life has so many diversions for the otter, that whether it's playing a computer game, reading a book, or doing a crossword puzzle, it's impossible to predict how it will fill it's day. But when an otter gets focused on a problem, it's keen intelligence rises to the challenge and it will not give up until the nut is cracked. Otters feel entitled to the good things in life and a general sense of well being gives them the confidence to not have to save for the future. A lover who wants to impress an otter should know that otters love to eat out and have a predictable penchant for sushi.

Although intelligent and witty, otters have a tendency to suffer from self-doubt, and fear of failure can prevent them from living up to their true potential. Still, they are a great problem solvers, with the ability to spend endless hours on abstract or practical challenges. As workers, they are dedicated and capable and always eager for a chance to prove themselves. Their determination makes them valuable employees and although they often feel that their contributions are undervalued, they would rather accept lower pay than risk confrontations in their workplace. Although they are fine motivators, they avoid taking leadership roles, performing better in group situations with their social skills coming in handy when counseling coworkers through their problems. Their dexterous hands are useful in a wide range of careers, and they're ideally suited for work in engineering, advertising, and design.

As lovers, otters are tenacious and have remarkably vital libidos. Unafraid of expressing their needs, they have little tolerance for selfish people and are attracted those creative enough to fulfill their sexual appetites. Among the aquatic animals, the lusty dolphin provides endless fun while the terrestrial fox proves to be a challenging and sexy companion. In a relationship, the otter will willingly stray into dangerous waters, betting that its instincts will see it though. But, for the most part it prefers the familiar shallows of a predictable association with the semi-aquatic beaver or sea lion.

There is no question that the otter is going to have children. Lots of them. And this otherwise carefree individual will surprise you with its strict and disciplined approach to child raising.

Otters are certainly not shy. Their highly advanced communication skills explain why friends flock to it for advice and why ex-lovers find it so hard to let it go. But sometimes it seems that relating to an otter is a one-way street; for otters hate criticism. It's not that they don't believe there's room for improvement -- it's just that they tend to confuse criticism with rejection. Friends must step lightly lest they wound the otter's self-image, for this is the surest way to dissuade the otter from further communication.

Ouch,

That hurts.
That really does.

Venus and Jupiter

met Mr. Moon today. I hear it is the first time since George Washington was president- which is quite epic. I should be working on source cards for Mr. Miller, but I deemed this more important :) I walked home today.... It was fucking hot! I also brought my journal/diary to school again, people were asking to read it because I let a certain few read it last time. Lately I've been writing more from the heart, so of course I said they couldn't read it.
Oh yeah, and just a reminder: If you do not like someone, please tell them. Don't talk about it and get angry and then act like nothing is wrong to their face. That's so... so fake.

I have decided that I'm going to try and make myself happy. Sound incredibly selfish? I don't care. Haha. I am a dgaf nation, basically.

Fucking my eyesight

Alright so today was Sean's birthday party, and I went because he went to mine and yeah. I thought it would be dreadful, honestly, but it wasn't that bad. It was even really fun. Jade went with me because she's a party crasher like that. We played Apples to Apples, which is a really weird game but Jade owns at it, she got like 5473892340 green cards. Of course immigration jokes were made, immensely. Then we played some Mortal Kombat, which I suck at. Aaron beat me like a million times, but yeah. We played some weird toy soldier game on Dreamscape.. which I've never heard of.. basically we played video games the whole time because it was, after all, just a teenage boys party.
I have to write Sean his birthday card but I have no clue what to put, haha.

I'm thinking "Happy Birthday love Cori." Yeah?
Oh and BTW I got my hair cut! :D

c+d=catastrophic duo!

Yes yes yes. I often use words three times in a row for emphasis. Maybe it's just because I like the number three. Anyways, I was woken up and realized that my ringtone is dreadfully annoying and NEEDS to be changed desperately.
So Delaney is here with me and I am freezing cold and I have a feeling it has nothing to do with the temperature. My teeth are chattering and I have goose bumps. Delaney is offering me the blanket she so nicely STOLE from me but I do not want her pity warmth. I made some difficult decisions tonight and I am happy- almost. I just wish everyone else would be happy also, it seems like everywhere I turn there are hurt feelings.

I shouldn't be awake, I'm awfully tired. I'm awfully cold but it's a lasting cold that doesn't go away so easily. I feel like my ribs are quaking. I was stumped with giving advice tonight, which is uncommon because I find myself being quite good at it. I guess it is because I had no experience in the subject, but still. Delaney is craving coffee ice cream but I think she's insane, it's much too cold for things like that. I am craving some hot chocolate and a warm fire, I think. Perhaps some marshmallows and Harry Potter #7, also? Tonight has been an odd night, in that I went to a Helix football game and went over french pronunciations with Delaney.

Basically football and nasally sounds have made my night- mostly.

I dream you.

I have a christmas wishlist! Oh my God. I know.

001
002 (i like biographies haha)
003 (because I'm a bit of an insomniac.
004
005

Alright, there it is. Considering everything on that list is very expensive, I really don't expect anything. I just felt like making a list.

gardner's intelligences

"Interpersonal

This area has to do with interaction with others. People in this category are usually or extroverts and are characterized by their sensitivity to others' moods, feelings, temperaments and motivations, and their ability to cooperate in order to work as part of a group. They communicate effectively and empathize easily with others, and may be either leaders or followers. They typically learn best by working with others and often enjoy discussion and debate. The artificial intelligences for this intelligence can be excel. Although this is a feeling and emotional intelligences, with today computer and online material people can learn, relate, with each other. Web cam and other technical material has allowed people to function in this intelligence. The personal touch has to still be there to implement these functions. Careers which suit those with this intelligence include politicians, managers, teachers, and social workers. "

Ooh! Me me me! :D

smile smile smile

my cheeks hurt, and i am pretty sure i am blushing



i simply cannot stop smiling.
SMILE SMILE SMILE being forward pays off! :)

holy shit.

I have just realized something that is pretty damn big.

My legs are shaking.
"I'm a bitch, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I do not feel ashamed."

growing

I got a letter from University of the Pacific in San Francisco. Haha "Congratulations on all of your great high school achievements - many great universities have noticed your potential...great schools like University of the Pacific." Because I have soo many high school achievements.
Anyways, I guess they specialize in Environmental Studies, which is something I marked as a potential major/minor. I was so excited! My mom started crying.
I am looking at their website, and they do have a lot of courses I want to take. Sociology, Psychology, Religious & Classical Studies. But I am only a sophomore. Plus, I hope I get more letters. And this university isn't in New York. :(

So overwhelming!

got me pushing imaginary buttons

lulululullulul
so many laughs over this dumb video.

Anyways, you have to watch the real video because Sia is like my hero. I finally got myself some sunglasses! Or, in nikki-language, gafas! Which isn't even really nikki-language it's just spanish but whateverrrr! I really don't even know if thats how it's spelled.

The 90s is where my musical heart lays.. Ahhhh. Because as of now I'm listening to Collective Soul and omg. Haha. "chickety china, the chinese chicken" which is a completely different song but whatever.

I am so glad that we have this week off because school is getting to be a hassle. I was just thinking that I need to have some fun, I really do. I need to break some rules and get in trouble and laugh till I cry and act like a 15 year old girl. It sounds stupid, but it's what I'm longing for

decode

Is a fabulous song, even if the movie it belongs to is going to suck :/
Okay, so we won the football game last night. I forget the score though. Cookie and I got there then decided we didn't want to be there anymore, so we hung out by the band hahahha.
I found Virgil and decided to chill with him while Cookie went with Kevin. We eventually found this one kid whose name I have forgotten and he used to pick on me in 6th grade. He then looked at my boobs and said "You've really grown." Yeah cool thanks.
Overall it was a weird night. I drank soda for the first time in a while? I don't really know why, but I've been breaking a lot of my food restrictions lately.
Oh & BAHAHA after I left the football game I got texted by two random people, which ended up being the kid from sixth grade asking me out (:/ ?!) and some other kid asking if I was Cookie. Because we are both blonde, we get mixed up sooo often!

Anyways this is really all I have to say for the moment- besides the fact that I have to recreate my whole itunes library because of our new computer. And that I have a new favorite picture and Syrena took it with her new camera and I love it haha.

immpprroovvee

I was going to write something but then I went downstairs to get something, and ended up forgetting I was writing something. I laughed a lot during lunch, something I have not done in while. I ate with Cookie, Raquel, Sam, and Tony. Fun group, I've gotta say.
I honestly have nothing to say, it's like the longest string of "okay" days EVER.

what the hull?

why am i posting a myspace survey in my blog?

<sub>I'm tired​ of:
drama!

I am liste​ning to:
the world spins madly on


Maybe I should:
be downstairs getting ready?


I wish:​
i was at the library


Choco​late is:
better dark


I last ate:
trix :D


Love is:
insane


Myspa​ce is:
blah


Today​:​
was nothing special


Tomor​row:​
will be good. i hopee


I get annoy​ed:​
at a lot of things! mostly awkward situations hhaa

*​*​*​*​QUEST​IONS*​*​*​*​

Is your hair wet?
noppeee


Are you weari​ng chaps​tick?​
i should my lips are chapped


Are you tired​?​:​
not really


Are you upset​?​:​
nope


*​*​*​*​LASTS​*​*​*​*​

Last bever​age?​:​
juice!


Last Song liste​ned to?
i am currently listening to the weepies


*​*​*​*​HAVE YOU EVER*​*​*​*​

Dated​ someo​ne twice​?​:​
uhh.. um. yes! once i think.


Laugh​ed until​ you almos​t cried​?​:​
life would be a rip off if i hadn't


Met someo​ne who chang​ed your life?​:​
of course

Found​ out who your true frien​ds and best frien​ds were?​
they are different?


Is there​ somet​hing you want to tell someo​ne?​
eh not really. its all on the table right now


Do you think any one of your frien​ds will repos​t this?​
well.. since this is not in a bulletin like its supposed to be, no?


Did anyth​ing brigh​ten up your day today​?​
nikki!
"omg what are my hips doing?! IS THAT MY BUTT?!"
lululululllulululul

How are you feeli​ng at this exact​ momen​t?​
musiccaaalllll



Ever wonde​r how other​ peopl​e see you?
sometimes


Are you talle​r than most your frien​ds?​
i have actually some to realize that i am fairly short


When was the last time you sang an ENTIR​E song?​
right now


Do you like the last perso​n who sent you a myspa​ce messa​ge?
as a friend, mhm


What is one thing​ that is curre​ntly bothe​ring you?
my dad is so anal


Do you reali​ze it when you curse​?​
mhmm


Who did you last talk to in perso​n?​
my dad


Do you think​ place​s like New York City and Calif​ornia​ are overr​ated?​
NO NO NO NO
well california maybe, but thats only because i live here
i would probably feel the same if i lived in new york city, i have a compulsive need for change


Do you think​ some peopl​e are crazy​ for weari​ng jeans​ in the summe​r?​
... i have answered this question before.


What did you do yeste​rday?​
hm. yesterday. i went to school and then went home. exciting!


If you are being​ extre​mely quiet​ what does that mean?​
i am either thinking, mad, sad or all of the above


Where​ did your last hug take place​?​
schoolll


What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next month​ or so?</sub>
thanksgiving

<sub>What is the last movie​ you watch​ed?
monty python and the holy grail


Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip 3 month​s from now?
idkk


What were you doing​ at 1am this morni​ng?​
pumpin' blood, as always


You'​re in the hospi​tal,​ would​ your TOP frien​ds come​ to visit​ you?
yes! i can name four people that definitely would.


What'​s your favor​ite card game?​
mm egyptian rats.. something. its a fun game.


Do you like to color​?​
hahahaha yes!


Do you own a pair of Uggs?​:​
fake uggs, helllaaaa

Have you been to Calif​ornia​?​
no. never.

Do you know anyon​e who alway​s carri​es a knife​ with them where​ver they go?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH nikki did for a while.


What happe​ned at 10:​00 am today​?​
"does this have anything to do with austrailia?"
"... . ..... um.. no?"
*glare glare glare* :O




Well i have no clue why i did that</sub>

trouble

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said,
Oh no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
But here am I in my little bubble

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.


Oh hey, this seems to be my new theme song. Awesome.
I cannot wait until Thursday, basically. I get to talk talk talk.

blah

there are people on my roof, what? workers. i guess. my dad conveniently forgot to tell me so i freaked out and thought someone was breaking in. niiiiceee.
they can hear my music, because i can hear them talking about it. i think every time something like a couple nights ago happens, i either become stronger in myself or weaker to other people. in this case it is more like both because every time this seems to happen i just kind of ... get... stronger?
I actually volunteered to present in french today, woahh?! But then everyone gave me bad feedback sooo yeah haha. whatever, hhhaaattterrrs!

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt, as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair.
Paul H. Duhn


The men outside are dancing to my music.

sell yourself for less than love

My So-Called Life helps me survive, everyone should watch it. Well, every 15 year old girl. Plus, Jordan Catalano is just soooo dreeeaaammmyy! Hahaha.
If I hear from another person that I look "way prettier" or whatever with straight hair I'm going to murder someone. Basically. It just makes me want to leave my hair curly because I'd rather find somebody who likes me when I look my worst than somebody who likes me when I look my best.
Today is Syrena's birthday :)

fade into you

I am really fucking tired of crying so much! It just seems like everything is falling in around me, no matter how cliche, and Nikki is being really weird lately and everybody lies to me and no matter what I do it is never enough for everyone. Stupid person asking me to talk to this girl he likes... wtf? Of course I do not want to do that, I like you. Why would I want to talk to the person YOU like? Everyone just thinks they can ask good ole Corii for anything, she'll always be there. Thats my flaw, I'll always be there and everyone just uses me. Awesome. Thanks. My mom just likes to sit there and tell me why it's my fault, which is just fantastic. Everything sucks right now

Munchies. MUNCHIES

We just got back from a camping trip, ha. ... Ha. Lots of laughs. Sooo. Jade and I reporting to you live from my room. I've got sand in my hair. (Me too!) (It's Jade.) It sucks... okay so we basically got stuck in a sand storm and I've got cuts on my fingers from sand pelting me and we woke up in a tent filled with sand and basically if I never see another grain of sand it'll be too soon. HGFDJHDG:Hgsf. And then we drove back home and my lips are chapped and (me too.) (I've got sand in unknown undiscovered places) HHAHAHA. Hehehehe. He.. Hehhh. Munchays. I like munchies, (Ima get kidnapped... munchies) My hair is a mess and I had to go to the bathroom outside... not to mention at some dirty restaurant (yeah me too. ew) BUT WE GOT MOOD RINGS! (ME TOO!) Woot. Hahahaah vot Vot. We know how to irish thug dance? (HAHHAA i friggin love that) Jade is wicked good at remembering lyrics but I just say peacock. (Btw: I tried that, it doesn't work.) We got scared by a bag... and Jade kinda ran out by fire with a sleeping bag on her head (and body). I almost got stuck in a cave, but Jade rescued me form barracudas. They do live the desert, opposite from popular belief. They're very dangerous. Almost like baby eating mutants, but we do that on the weekends. (Poor obese retarded kids, no gag reflex? Call me.) Whats this? Oh that, it's what I was gonna stab you with last night. I do know how to rap though. (I'm a better rapper, yo) SHUT UP. (Suck it.) BUTTERFLY UP YOUR ASS. (silence) PWNED. (alright jesse) LYKWUT (jesse says that, dumbass) I KILL BAYBEEZ (ive still got your damn hair in my mouth) YOU STOLE IT (suck it) NOOOOO I DONT WANT to. kthxbai

obama won ohio!

which, according to the father, decides who wins. we high-fived when we found out. so basically, i'm willing to bet money on obama winning. i am so excited. the only thing that could make me happier was prop 8 failing, my mom and i booed at a sign-holder this afternoon.

wooo! i am so looking forward to not being able to complain about my president.

B-ROCK OBAMA!

ahhh life.

life is just never going to change.
my setting will change but it will be the same in essence.
"i can't believe he said that,"
"i can't trust her anymore,"
blah blah blah.

the same conflicts over and over again.
i just want everything to be alright with my house and my friends and the world and this country and my family, and it'a dawning on me that this might be the end of something and that it just might be that nothing will change.

shut up

shut up. Shut Up. SHUT UP.

please and thank you.
:)

irritated.

I am just irritated, lets leave it at that.

So I just realized I love sneezing. What the fuck?

AGHHHH.

This is a rant, beware.

I, personally, find the kind of arrogance, uncaring for other people, and plain out disregard for any sort of equality DISGUSTING with the Vote Yes on 8 campaigns. Can you seriously believe that because you are heterosexual and they are homosexual that you have some sort of birthright to think of yourselves as better than them? What gives you the right to have your union be called marriage and theirs "Domestic Partnership"? Because the bible says so? Well, humans wrote the bible, not God, so any sort of prejudice was probably caused by us, not God. The God I believe in wouldn't want anybody to be unhappy. Because marriage is defined as "a man and a woman"? SO NOW WE'RE CREATING LAWS BASED ON SEMANTICS? What sort of crap is this? Church and state were separated long ago, so why is this even an issue? Why is it some sort of big deal to you people? Can you just not stand it to be in league with the homosexual population? You can sit there telling yourselves that you aren't stripping any of their rights but you know thats a lie. You're stripping them of their right to say "We're married." You're stripping them of their right to call their loved one a husband, or wife. You're stripping them of having their love recognized under California law!
If you don't want your child being taught that homosexual marriage is the same as heterosexual marriage, they won't teach it. I don't know about you, but my parents had to sign a permission slip saying I was allowed to be taught about marriage. And seriously, saying that marriage is "any two people" who are in love and choose to solidify that love, is that going to make such a HUGE difference? I just don't understand what would motivate you to strip someone of their rights like that. We are all humans, no matter our sexuality or who we choose to marry. Why is this such a huge deal, all through history? We all say we want FREEDOM and PEACE and EQUALITY but we can't do that with props like this one!
I mean, I've heard loads of arguments. "If the law is now just 'any two people' how does that stop incestual relationships from taking place?" Because we have a specific law against that. MOVING ON!
"God designed us so that a man and woman should be together." Yes, well, not everybody believes in God, so why should this apply to them? People have rights to choose, thats call freedom. I doubt God would strip us of that.

Please, please, fire them at me. Give me ONE GOOD REASON to, you know, (this feels strangely like I've said this before...) strip peoples rights.
By separating the homosexual population, you're increasing homophobia, which has caused an uprise in lesbian, gay, or bisexual high school dropouts, suicides, truancies, and depression.

What do you feel you are accomplishing? Because all I've heard is "protecting marriage", marriage is love. Marriage is happiness. Marriage is devotion. Marriage is loyalty. Marriage is NOT strictly a man and a woman.

Rant over. :)

my current political views.

And so I am fair, here is a "Vote yes on prop 8" commercial too:



but really, this election is about now, not then. they should be focusing on why we should vote yes now, not why we voted yes then and how it has changed.

Yes on prop 2, duh.



Because it's catchy haha :)



Oh, and I love Sarah Palin, because who doesn't love bigot morons.

So, Obama/Biden 08, No on prop 8, Yes on prop 2, and Sarah Palin is a moron. There you go !

because everybody is dying to know!

ahhh <3

I think it is time for me to start a new leaf. I couldn't keep the butterflies out of my stomach last night! How embarrassing :) I haven't been to church for a long time, but I have no ride. I want to text him.. but I am waiting because I am not stupid. I am watching Jeepers Creepers 2! AHHH I am so confused! :) I have a diary now so it's going to be a kind of balance between what I want to people read and what I just want to write. Lets just say more is going in my diary than in here, lulz. Then again this was never really a diary, more of a thing I do when I am bored.. Okay well last night was really fun and now I'm just looking forward to homecoming :) :) :)

all the lonely people

Today is my birthday. I am 15 years old, I hear that is very young. It was a very confident day for me, I only realized I felt confident towards the end. Dinner with my family tonight, I hear there are gifts in the works also. :)
I have a thank you note to write, since I don't have anywhere else to put it, I will put it here.

On Saturday afternoon Syrena, Alfonso, and Jonathan threw me a surprise party. They have no idea how grateful I am. I can't even put it into words. It meant a lot to me. I have never had a surprise party before, and that fact that Syrena put in to effort to speak to my dad about it is just amazing to me. I have never known that kind of ... caring. I will never be able to thank her enough. You guys mean so much to me. :)

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN (BANG BANG SHOOT SHOOT).

good day, sunshine!

Take these broken wings and learn to fly, you are only waiting for this moment to arrive. Did I tell you I was blonde? I want to start every morning with the song "Good Day, Sunshine"! :)

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

Tomorrow I get to go to Barnes and Noble. Dr. Seuss and The Beatles are my heroes. Across the Universe is my favorite movie, the only one I've really sobbed over. Everything I touch breaks. I'm obsessed with my hair and water. I hardly wear any makeup anymore. Every color under the sun is my favorite. "She's just the girl for me, and I want all the world to see that we've met. Mh hmmm hmm hmm." I've decided that I'm going to do whats best for me. I need to draw the perfect eye, or I will explode. I hate my eyes! Living is easy with eyes closed. I painted my nails red. Red, eyes and fires and signs. I'm uploading loads of pictures I took forever ago. I'll probably add them onto this blog, but then it'll be super long because there are a lot of them.

Turns out the go to the top automatically. So basically you're reading this after seeing those pictures. All taken either at the trailer park (hey, I was with nikki) or on my way home from school. There is a plethora or beauty in the world, I only need a camera to capture it.

I promise I won't let you feel lonely.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

blegghhhh

everyone just needs to chill the fuck out.
i'm done with all the seriousness. i'm only 14, i don't need this.



speaking of being only 14, my birthday is this monday. 155555 :)

I love mornings. Everything is a miracle in the morning. Woah, I got the butter on the bagel right. AMAZING. Woah, it's going to be hot today. MIRACULOUS. (heh, miracle, miraculous) Dad let me use his computer (which is why I'm writing this) WONDERFULLL!

P.S. I should start eating in the morning more.

All I Want is to Rock Your Soul.

I just recently came to the realization that God is there for me. Yes, be aware, this may be a religious blog because it feels good. It feels good to go to church. It feels good to pray every night. It feels good to talk to God and to know that he is listening, and to know that even if I am at my lowest low, someone loves me just the way I am. It feels good to have somebody know every little secret about me, and still love me, because it's what I need. It feels good to have faith in something. To believe in something after believing in nothing for so long. It just feels good, all of it.
On a different note, I'm so tired of living somewhere where it never rains. Never snows. And I miss New York, and I want to go back! I've been very mean lately to people, mostly because I'm on my period right now and I always get the worst cramps and I always get in the worst moods, and it sucks. It sucks more than a slut! But I think it's gonna end like later today or tomorrow, so that's good. I feel so at peace with everything right now, it's nice. I should be doing geometry homework, shh.


P.S. I was never so good at being a mystery, everything I am is practically on my sleeve.

The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future.
- Oscar Wilde, author

enjambment

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

——————————————————— i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E. E. Cummings

La di da.

I've reached an all-time low!


And I'm happy.



What am I doing? This is going to ruin my life, and I know it will, because I've researched it. You know why I've researched it? Because I've contemplated it. A lot.
Today's count:
1 lp
1 smnc
1 t
1 p

Let me know if you can figure that out. Ha, I think I made it pretty obvious.

I haven't blogged in a while. Isn't this how I start a lot of my posts? Maybe it is because just recently (aka like today) I obtained The Sims 2 Apartment Life. Excitement, much. Also, I've been obsessing over LOST. Oh, LOST, how I love thou. Plus Merry from Lord of the Rings plays a heroin addict in it! Who wouldn't want to see that?! Now if only Pippin could star in an award-winning show. Then everybody would be even, except Sam, but Sam is a character that will never die. Okay, enough nerdspeak, (I lied) 12 chapters of Midnight Sun leaked out onto the internet, and you know me, I'm all over that!
On a different note, nobody is allowed to spend any money on me. Don't even think about it. I don't want your moneeeey! Please.

Hmm. This is a really cute song, maybe it's fate that I found it. I'm thinking of casting a spell! Mhm, a spell. I have a book of spells... I'm not one to believe that it will work, but it would be fun to try anyways. "I'm not alright when you go, please be all mine. I never want you to go, because I am all yours, please be all mine."

Six words.

Hemingway's six word novel:
Baby shoes for sale: never used.

I will always cry
when I think of how much courage I don't have.



tear-stained cheeks; I think I'm starting a trend.
I'M GOING TO BE SICK.



Lalala. Inspirational!

My Vacation:

I learned a great many things.

I missed Syrena. I missed Nikki. I missed Catherine. I missed Aleesa. I missed Sean. I missed Alfonso. I missed Jonathan. I missed my bed. I asked my mom if said missing was weird (because I missed you guys a lot) and she said that it was. So now I'm weirdly missing you guys. Just so you know.

I learned from my extremely insecure aunt that I am probably a person who does not need to be stick thin to be happy, but it will probably be untrue next week. I still cling to the hallucination that being thin would fix my problems, even though it wouldn't.

I also learned from my extremely insecure aunt that people are going to think you're ugly, people are going to think you're pretty, and people are going to think you're cute. Wait for the one who thinks you're beautiful. :)

I wrote. I haven't written in a very long time, and I wrote. I wrote about a girl who (very oddly) resembles me. A girl who will probably go through the same troubles as me. If I ever finish, I'll show somebody. I really hope you guys missed me too.

I am currently extremely happy to be back in my house, back to being able to walk around said house in a sports bra, (when nobody is home, of course) and back to being able to blast my very screamo hard rock blast your ears out music very loudly.

Oh yes, and wish Nikki a happy birthday! Her and her brother are turning 13 and 15. :D

AHHHHHHhkfdsjl

So much has happened!! We had a surprise for my Grandmother (on my mom's side), I saw my sister, I went to NYC, visited dad's friends Paul and Tammy, and am now back at the lake house. Oh, and my dad's parents are going into assisted living. I went to the MET, aka Metropolitan Museum of Art, and took loads of picture. My sister is a security guard in Omaha, so she got all pissed that I was taking pictures, but I did anyways >:) I ate super-expensive New York food, walked down a New York street in the rain, almost got ran over, took a taxi by myself to Soho, went shopping in a NYC American Apparel (but didn't get anything :( ) and went to a mall called Woodbury Commons, which is advertised for in Tokyo. I bought over $200 worth in bras, underwear, t-shirts, jeans, and shorts at said mall. I had a 15 dollar croisant sandwhich in Manhattan, and shared a bed with my sister which was terrible because she takes up the whole goddamn thing. I found out that book by James Frey called A Million Little Pieces is fabricated, saw James Frey get spanked (like serious pull-down-your-pants-red-butt spanked) on Oprah, bought Nikki a gift for her birthday, decided I'm applying for Keuka Lake College, and wore slippers in an expensive restaurant. I got a viracose vein on my leg from walking so much, got purple socks (and purple shirts, and purple pants, and purple bras but never mind that) sorry for all you male readers (ha, like one or two) for the talk about bras, but while we're on the subject, I'm a C! A FUCKING C. I'm huge. It's annoying. Anyyyyyways. I want to listen to Bushisms (gosh they're hilarious) but Phil is like a huge conservative Republican and stuff so he'd get all pissed. Oh, and I let the American Flag touch the ground. Ha. Eggplant Parmesan is ready, so I have to eat, because it's like invading my nostrils and I am adddddicted. Kthxbai.

Adults are so dumb.

They all overreact about everything. I let an 8 year old boy play a game on my dad's work computer, the same game I had been playing (hey, I was bored) and they all freak out. I doubt he would have messed the computer up. What are they afraid of? That he's going to find a secret self-destruct button on it? I mean, jeez, I know it's my dad's computer and he's letting me use it and it's not "mine to give away" (though I was hardly giving it away, I felt bad for the poor boy, the adults are boring) but still, he was playing some motocross game. A damn game. Grandma comes over and is like "Oh no no no what have you done? We can't have this! No no no!" I mean, seriously how retarded. I told her it was the exact same game I was playing, I was watching him to see if anything popped up, and my dad wasn't doing anything work-related on it anyways. How annoying. My dad and his mom are so alike, they're hard to live with. Jeez, I'm for sure going to hell for this, but my grandmother annoys the HELL out of me.

I am convinced that I have compulsive overeating disorder.



I would like to adress this issue, but onion spicy pickles are just WAY TOO GOOD!
My mouth burns now.

Today I went tubing! And, I drove by a cemetery. Both very inspirational experiences. I'll start with the cemetery.
When I think of death, I think of going to sleep. Of slipping into a slumber of unawareness and never waking up. But then I think of dreams, and if you dream when you are dead? But I know you don't, because your brain is turned off. But if all life is is a preparation for death, which it is if you think about it, what is so special about death? Is it really just unawareness? Sometimes I like to believe in reincarnation, that when I die I'll wake up being born. That I'll be somebody else, get to experience life again. But then, is there somebody inside of me? Do I have repressed memories of a past life? I don't know how I'd react to that... Hopeful maybe. But is there an afterlife? I tend to think not, but wouldn't it be nice? A heaven for people who deserve it, a hell for those less fortunate. Or.. were heaven and hell just ways to get the village people to work back in the day? Just a way to work them to death, willingly. The kings used to tell the workers that if they die on the job, they'd go to heaven and have a paradise of their own. But they just have to die first, and the only good way to die is by working on that wonderful statue of me, but don't make that darn nose too big. You know what I mean? I don't know what to believe.
Next, tubing.
Ah, water. Pure, yielding, water. How I adore thee. Wait, adore thou? I don't know, but sitting in the tube-y thing is like flying. You go up up up then you crash and the water is in your face and it's like everything you've ever done in your life doesn't matter because you are in the tube and you have to hold on because if you don't, you fall into the fast-moving rapids and get left behind to drown. Or get eaten by fish (shut up). Nothing matters in the water. Everything is gone and it's just you and you are. Maybe I am going insane.

Pittsford, New York

That is my current location. Actually, no, Penn Yan, New York is my current location. The party for Phil's 80th birthday just ended, even though his actual birthday isn't until September. I really can't type at all, it's pathetic. I am determined to meet someone here, preferably of the male species. Also, preferably, someone cute? I just want something to make this trip memorable. I don't need to meet anyone to remember it, of course, but it would be nice. I'm in New York, after all. The lake (we're at Phil's lake house, in Penn Yan) is absolutely beautiful. Actually, it's just a lake. It's not that spectacular. It was overcast today, and pretty cold. I have to sleep in a loft, which I have to climb up a ladder to get to. It's terrible.. I don't like heights. I spent most of my afternoon with my Aunt Jasmine, because we are so alike. I'm well over a foot taller than my Gramma, which is... funny. They are all cleaning up after Phil's birthday thing, you'd be surprised at the mess a bunch of martini-drinking old people can make. I should probably help, but no one has bothered me yet. I hear Phil's daughter absolutely hates Gramma. No clue why. They won't tell me what she did, but my mom secretly told me that she accused Phil of "marrying a midget for sex". God she's so psycho. I don't want anyone to know I know that. They went out of their way to make sure I didn't know... But I think I'm old enough to handle someone saying that, but Gramma wouldn't want to expose me to anything too vulgar. Of course not. We're talking about eating dinner on the boat on Tuesday. I'm writing again! I started on the plane. I'm really determined to go somewhere with this story, even though I doubt it will make sense. I mean, it will make sense, but I'm terrible at piecing things together. Nothing ever makes sense.
I was thinking today in the car about myself. The drive to Penn Yan is beautiful. It's al cornfields and grass and small towns and farmhouses. I imagine myself there. I can imagine myself there. I want to live somewhere small. New York City will always be my favorite place in the world, but I'll never afford to live there. My parents just left for some walk along the lakeside. People will start to realize that I'm not talking, just "hacking away at the keyboard as my dad says. Hacking? No clue where that came from, as I'm not hacking or anything of the sort. I like the sound of my fingers on the keyboard. It's so soothing. Tick tock tick tock. The only sound in the room in the clock. Phil is a quiet man. Jasmine is so much like me. I can't even explain why, she just is. It's uncanny. Normal conversation is so annoying. I want to be old, and retire in a lake house, and know everyone on my street and be able to laugh about the "good ole days". I want smile lines and crinkly skin, gray hair too. To sit, and smile without reason. Being old is such an excuse for acting senile for no reason. I'll do that too.
I don't think I will ever be able to look in the mirror without beating myself up. It's not like I'm going to go off on a tangent, whining about myself is so annoying when I read it later. I just don't think I will. My gramma fell earlier today, on her hip. We're supposed to go swimming in the lake tomorrow, because it will be warm. Supposedly.
I finished Breaking Dawn last night, and was dissapointed. That's all I have to say for now, Gramma wants me. Goodnight, everyone.

It makes me feel ANIMATED!

Just kidding. E-surance commercials are sooo dumb. Windex commercials are funny though.

"This is not my house. This is not my house! *bang*"
BWAHAHAHA.

It doesn't really make sense if you think about it, why wouldclan windows make him think that it wasn't his house? Just because it was clean? Well, maybe, you shouldn't rely on your wife so much, get your ass up from that nap your taking, and clean the damn windows yourself! I hate how in all of those cleaner liquid commercials, the women are always cleaning while the men are always lounging somewhere.
NO WAY. That girl did not run and do a vault or whatever on one leg. You can't run on one leg, and you need to run to do that. So psh nawt visa commercials.

Okay, back to the feature presentation: Bruse Almighty. That sucks for him. He gets fired for making weird fces on television and calling someone a fucker or whatever, (am I allowed to say that on here? I hope there is no language police) and the he gets like beat up by some gang or whatever and-- He is just mean. He doesn't have to take it out on his poor girlfriend. I like the davantages of using a laptop, sittin' in front of the TV and blogging. Jim carrey is a good actor, he makes funny faces... they pull all the same stunts in all these movies. He throws the pager; pager still beeps! I've seen it in movies before.
OMG ITS... not Van. Okay never mind this sucks it is not Van. He and Barbara Jean are the only reason I watch Reba. Why isn't there any Sonics in my area? Man, that sucks. I have to call Jade! I'm going to her house tomorrow, maybe. If I can get ahold of her. Be right baaaack! Okay, it's ringing. Ringing. Ringing. Riningggg... Voicemail. That's so Jade. Ha.
Back to the movie: I like big white rooms... OH MY GOD THE REALIZATION OF THE CENTURY: MORGAN FREEMAN IS GOD! Wow, that really explains a lot.
"God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant!" :)
HOLYCRAP POTTERPUPPETPALS. youtube.com. look them up. FUNNYCRAP.

SCREW IT !

Okay, screw every time I said I liked Jacob more.

IF SHE PICKS JACOB OVER EDWARD I AM GOING TO BURN ALL OF THE BOOKS! ALL OF THEM! AHJGLF;D;SGFSD!

end of entry.

nothing.

I haven't anything to write about. Except the usuals, of course: my obsession, how bored I am at home all the time, and that my mom has food for me but she's taking her sweet time to get home. >.< The lack of inspiration is so depressing, but I know why. It's because whats there to write about when you're at home all the time? I don't get out nearly enough.
I've been listening to Stephenie Meyers's (Meyers'?) playlist for her books, and it's been keeping my interested. I also decided that I have a new favorite band: Muse. Of course, it won't ever outnumber the 31 Hush Sound songs on iTunes I have, but you know. I got a stomach ache from eating too many carrots yesterday :( I didn't think that was possible. I'm so tired of writing these boring little entries just to pass time... I'm going to go pack for New York, then go for a walk. I wish it was cold. I HATE hot weather. Ughhhhhh asdl;fdsa.

so tired

EDIT: I used to have a picture here, with writing that was in a different language. I took it out because it was too big.

I'd like to know what language that's in. It looks like a pretty language, like Arabic or something. I've never heard anyone speak Arabic before... I'm going to see my grandmother's next week, little one and big one. I call my grammas Little Gramma and Big Gramma, because my dad's mom is 4'5? Somewhere around there; my mom's mom is like 6'0. Isn't that weird? It's like my height is going to be a mystery to all, because all the women on my dad's side are small, and all the women on my mom's side are freakin' TALL AS EFF. Actually, my height isn't a mystery, I'm going to be tall. I'm like 5'5 now, so obviously I'm not going to be short because they are 5'0 at their tallest. We're going to NY to see my whole family, which is actually really small. On my dad's side it's just me. My aunt has no children, so all the pressure goes to my dad to have children. I think that might be the only reason he had children at all. My sister and I got into another fight... Because of it I'm not allowed into the city when we go to NY. I almost cried. That was the whole effin' reason I was going to NY! Ugh ugh ugh. I was going to wear a purple dressy type thing. I had it all planned outttt. Sorry, I had to whine about that for a second.

OMGOMGOMG.
I have an actual layout on my Myspace! But, I don't know how long I'm going to keep it. This blog really isn't interesting at all, just me complaining. Stupid sister. Ergh.

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and I will try, to fix you

I want lights to guide me home, please.

I am sorry. This is my third post in like an hour. I am a nasty person sometimes. I say mean things... I don't mean them. Hardly ever. You won't know who I am talking about, but I only said that to you because you took something away from me. You took away my ... my intelligence. It was the only thing I had! If I am not known as "The Smart One" I am nothing. I knew I was going to react that way. My whole future (ironic) relies on my brain. You took it away. You actually didn't take it away, if I actually were smart (which I'm really not all that smart) I would have enjoyed it. You know, a brain challenge. But everything you said made me confused and I couldn't twist my way out and I would be wrong and it made me feel like I had no right to an opinion. You do see the wholes in my logic. I couldn't think of what to say to get you to stop so I attacked you... Which only made me look dumb. I probably am. Congratulations, you are smart. I am dumb.

Alone forever.

"I feel like I have a universe of beauty, magic, love, and wonder in my mind and heart. But I'm not pretty. I think I will be alone forever."

Sit down, read that, and think. Think hard. This about our society. Think about the magazines. Think about your mind. When you look around, do you spend extra time noticing people who to you, are ugly? People shouldn't be this way. Whoever wrote that is beautiful. It shines through a postcard. I read that and realized how true this is. I know that I am afraid I will will never be loved. Or, as superficial as it is, that I will never be with somebody that I am attracted too. Shouldn't everybody have that? Doesn't everybody deserved to love and be loved in return? What if you were to turn 60, and realized that you have never truly been loved by anyone. That you have never loved anyone. A friend of mine once said that love is not about be selfish and taking one person to be your own, that love is about loving everything. Love is about loving everyone and everything and experiencing that kind of love. To think about everyone all the time. To ... just lose yourself in that much love. Why do you think you are not pretty? Who has told you that? What is pretty? I googled pretty, and all there is is pictures of naked girls. So, is pornography pretty? I searched beautiful, and the same. Naked girls. I searched ugly next. I... I don't understand. Posting pictures of people you think are ugly makes you ugly. Ugly is in the mind. I am not being original here. You have heard this before. Why doesn't it sink in? I was once told that I was ugly. That I was fat. Even that I would never get married, because I was ugly and fat. I don't even know who said it. It was anonymous. Do I think that that person knows me? No, I don't. What you have to accept is that you are beautiful. Everyone is not beautiful. Whoever said that to me, is not beautiful. Well, now this is getting waaaay too corny. A little bit about myself: I am not skinny. Am I fat? (Gah I hate that word) No. My mind... My mind is my own. I am not the most beautiful thing ever on the outside. I believe that inside, I am. This is what inspired me. My own feelings about myself.. what they used to be, what they still are, and hopefully what they will be. I have all those usual fears: rejection, never being loved, solitude. I am getting better though. I don't like to talk about it, for fear that I get out of hand. I cry easily, you see. I hope that what I write will one day help somebody.